Thursday 23 June 2016

On being different

I wasn't too sure if I should share these thoughts with you as you must have noticed that I don't often talk about personal topics on the blog. But then I thought, what the heck, if it can help anybody else or even just give you a nice excuse for a 5 minute break at work then why not!

First of all, sorry if the crazy gif annoys you, but I just love these kind of things lately and I wanted to do my own! If you like it, well then you're my favourite reader ;)

Lately I've had to work on various things that allowed me to think more about who I am and where I stand. And I guess going freelance recently made me realise that I had to figure out what I wanted to do with my life and my goals and got me thinking even more about myself.

I didn't have a tough childhood I think. it wasn't the best, but god I've seen way worse happening to kids all the time so I guess I can't complain too much. Everything was fine in my family, but I struggled more outside of it. I was far away from being the popular one in school, and I was rejected all the time by everybody. I realised afterwards that it was because I was quite different and wasn't really following what all the kids in school, high school, college and even university were doing/thinking. Don't get me wrong, I always had one or two really good friends that I felt understood me. But I don't think that was the issue, I didn't really want to be the popular one anyway, but growing up, it really hit my confidence.

I was in eternal conflict with myself, thinking that I should try and be like all the other ones to be accepted, and the minute after, I would contradict myself and decide to stand for myself and it's not my fault if I'm seen as weird. The problem was that I started to hate attention, blushing all the time, never giving my opinion out loud and doubting all the time about everything. It didn't help that I fell in love with a guy and obsessed over him for 3 years before finally being able to call him my boyfriend. I started a profound depression at that time, hating myself, and losing myself. I became anorexic for almost a year and didn't even realise how ill I looked. Obviously this relationship didn't last, and I was very very low. The lowest I've ever been. I was studying very hard at university but compared my work all the time to the others and didn't believe at all in my skills.

One day I sat down with my parents and realised that if I wanted things to change, it was up to me to do something, nobody else. So I said that I needed therapy. It might sound over-dramatic, but trust me, at that time therapy saved me and I slowly went back to my normal self. Back then I was in my very early twenties, and it clicked. I didn't care if I was different, I didn't care if people didn't like my opinions, the way I looked, the way I decided things and the way I lived. I'm me, and if people can't accept me the way I am, then too bad for them! I wanted to feel proud of myself. It cost me a few good friends, but I guess it was for the best. However, still living at my parents, in the same area I grew up, and my ex-boyfriend still haunting me from time to time, I thought 'that's it, I'm going far away'.

And I came here, to North Wales, somewhere where nobody knew me, and I could start from scratch and accept myself once and for all. I'm not saying that it solved everything, I still have my moments of doubt quite often (who doesn't?), but wow it did me good.

So now I'm almost 27 (next month! Aaaah!), with a man that I truly love and loves me exactly for who I am, with all my imperfections and craziness. And if I have a bad time, doubting myself, or if I go all shy, blushing whilst trying to say something, I don't give up, I let the red fade out from my cheeks and I carry on.

Because there's one thing I figured out with time, is that being 'different' makes you unique and I should try and embrace it rather than wanting to fit in.

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